So I just talked to a friend who, on the way home to spending the holidays with family, stopped off at a funeral/memorial service for someone. In talking about funerals in general as she got back on the road, I realized that I probably have some pretty specific preferences for how I'd like my own memorial get-down to go. So, should I expire and one of you, hearing the news, remembers this note, please get in touch with whatever person is in charge of the party planning and forward them these guidelines.
- Cremation, no burial.
- Nothing in a church, whatsoever.
- I'd like my guests to receive party favors. Preferably mini-busts of me. I'm 100% serious about that.
- If possible, I'd like each of the busts to have a tiny amount of my ashes in them, though, if that doesn't work out, give each guest a little bit wrapped in cellophane or something, with the instructions to spread them somewhere they feel appropriate and, above all, no prayers are to be said whilst the ashes are being spread.
- Buffalo wings (and only buffalo wings) are to be served at the party.
- Booze should flow, but I'd like the first bit of each person's first drink to be spilled out on the floor in memory of me, "Fallen soldier Dr. J"
- I'd like the event to be DJ'd, but at least 75% of the songs have to be by Teddy Pendergrass, Meat Loaf, and Daniel Johnston.
Finally, I am quite serious about all of this. I wish I could say you'd have my life insurance money to pay for all this, but odds are, the feds are gonna take it to pay off my student loans. That's true whether I go down in 2010 or 2050. Sorry.
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Print this out and staple it to your living will. You got enough witnesses to sign that thing, right???
Also, I think mini-busts of Cleveland Bachelor could make for an interesting art exhibit/challenge: get a gang of artists together to do their own interpretation of how the busts should look. Best prototype gets memorialized forever!
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