Thursday, June 25, 2009

Thanks, douchebags

I woke up to a great text this morning:

"Had dinner at bar cento last night. West 25 has turned into something even more monstrous than you remember!"

Thanks, douchebags. First you take over the Warehouse District, now the near west side. Next thing you know, all the interesting folks will move out of Lakewood and the funky, idiosyncratic eateries will all shut down so you can open more of your highly stylized, douchebag bars and restaurants.

Pretty soon, people won't be able to take any surface streets west of Tower City without randomly being asked if they have any coke or when the next Coldplay/Fall Out Boy/Plain White T's album is coming out. Followed quickly by desperate requests for a lift to the Velvet Dog or the Map Room, where they will talk about what they had for dinner at the Greenhouse Tavern and the time they danced/did shots with LeBron's bodyguard.

Well, I can't do anything about this, so for now - please don't make plans to move to North Collinwood any time soon. However, when the Flats restoration plan is complete, it is all yours. Deal?

10 comments:

Christine said...

I really like the graphic.

Mel said...

Ugh, it's so horrible. I'm terribly afraid of the douchbag merge into the East 4th district as result of Cadillac Ranch.

*sigh* We will always have the VTR. Paulius can sniff out the Douchebags eight miles away. ;-)

Christine said...

The person you got that text from also tried to go to East 4th last night. No WAY she was going to East 4th, aka the Times Square of downtown Cleveland.

Cookbook said...

Oh, Bachelor, you are probably cursing yourself by even mentioning the words "North" and "Collinwood" on your blog. Countdown to unmuzzled pitbulls and bodyshots in 3, 2, 1... =)

CB said...

No worries, Cookbook. Douchebags don't read my blog. There are other doucheblogs written for them that they go to. Besides, the lack of high concept attractions on Waterloo will confuse and frighten them, so if they do visit, they won't stay for long. Bohemia doesn't appeal if it doesn't come with a $25 entree or a shot menu filled with sexually suggestive names.

Speaking of shots, do even douchebags do body shots anymore? I thought they'd moved on to that ice luge shot contraption. Maybe not. Perhaps like tribal band tattoos, they will have body shots forever.

And unmuzzled pitbulls ... yikes! Smells and I are better off with our family of rabid raccoons next door! I lived with a roommate that had an unmuzzled pitbull right after college and it was the horrible and tense, like waiting for a time bomb to explode. Fortunately, I moved out before the dog ever did explode, which, of course, it eventually did a couple years later.

CB said...

Also, for the record, I don't have that much of a problem with East 4th. It is what it is, and Times Square of Cleveland isn't a terrible name for it. But every city needs a Times Square, a place where tourists (from the 'burbs as well as out of town) can feel comfortable and spend lots of money.

That being said, I haven't spent a lot of time there, but I know it is there, for when friends and acquaintances happen to be in Cleveland and I know they aren't the type to venture out to the interesting, authentic parts of Cleveland.

Cookbook said...

I have no idea what douchebags are doing in the bars these days because I don't go to douchebars. I think I've heard that cornhole is popular but that doesn't necessarily involve boobies and hard liquor, always.

I like the concept of doucheblogs, though. Actually "douche" makes all kinds of great compound words, doesn't it?

CB said...

Good call, cookbook.

A while back, I toyed with starting a photoblog titled Cleveland Douchebag, with all the douches and douchettes you see around town. I ultimately decided not to, since that would mean I'd have to go to the places these douchebags reside, which I usually go to great lengths to avoid.

In the meantime, there are all sorts of other compound words that would be fun to think about. For example, what best fits the following:

douchecar
douchebook
douchestore

That's all I got, since I'm kinda in a hurry this morning, but further suggestions about additional compound words or real-world examples of the ones listed above are always welcome!

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