Are you kidding me?

Guess who is allergic to honeysuckle ...

Me, that's who.

Can you believe that? Honeysuckle, of all the lame, wussy things to be allergic to - little wussy evil white flowers.

Here's how I found out:

I've been an allergenic wreck this week, hardly able to speak because of the phlegm that just keeps coming.

This evening, while sitting in some comfy lawn chairs with my pal Dave, I noticed that my chest was getting tighter and tighter and that the I was getting so choked up I could hardly keep up with the throat clearing. I decided to walk down the block to the shop where my friend Heather was working, both to say hello and to get in some air conditioning with a halfway decent air filter. It did the trick, and after a little while I was back to being only moderately destroyed by allergies, rather than totally debilitated by them.

Eventually we decided to step out the front door for some fresh air. As we exited, Heather says with delight, "Ooh, honeysuckle? Doesn't it smell so good?" to which I replied "...gasp...gasp...gargle gargle ... I can't talk ... gargle choke choke ..."

She says, "That's what you are allergic to - honeysuckle!"

I say, seriously, "Honeysuckle? Oh man, fuck honeysuckle! I'm going home."

And I did, though not before stopping off at That Seafood Place on Cedar for some bbq ribs and alligator tail. I got home, pulled into the driveway, and noticed for the first time some devilish little white flowers on the huge bush next to the garage door. I walked around the house and noticed the exact same thing directly under my bedroom window. I went upstairs, image googled "honeysuckle" and confirmed my suspicions. I am living in honeysuckle ground zero hell.

I am also living in a non-air-conditioned apartment, where open windows are a necessity. Also, a little e-sleuthing revealed that the life cycle of honeysuckle is pretty much from spring to late fall. Awesome.

I am not gonna make it. Of all the ways I thought I'd go - war hero, pulling babies and puppies out of burning buildings, getting eaten by a shark while wrestling a bear, becoming a folk hero bank robber, etc., I never thought I'd be undone by that demon weed, honeysuckle.

I hope I don't learn this is a lab-created species. I really hope I am not able to track down the surviving kin of whoever engineered this floral monstrosity. For if I am, my last days will come in prison.